THE GOLD FISH: A Hypothetical Memoir

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I wrote THE GOLD FISH as a form of therapy. A way to process 60-odd years of living. The disappointments, the scars, the lessons learned (good and bad), but also, the passions and joys.

I wanted to answer these questions: How the hell did I get here? In this exact shape and form? What had six decades of hard wrought living forged in me? And more interestingly (or alarmingly, perhaps) what had been lost? What had been jettisoned? Out of fear and necessity?

So I went back to the source material. The starting point. Those pivotal and indelible adolescent coming-of-age years. I collected random memories of everyday occurrences. Little events as well as big milestones. And even bigger feelings. Critical events that, upon reflection, seemed to have left a mark. (I say seemed because who the hell really knows? Nature vs nurture and all that.)

Then, I assembled those fragments into a kind of order. A (hopefully) compelling narrative to try to make sense of it all. But as I did so, I couldn’t help but wonder what if it had all happened a bit differently? Even slightly? Different friendships pursued. Secret sorrows shared. Timelines shifted. In other words, could tiny variations in circumstance, insight, or twists of fate have spewed out a different result? A more intact me?

And if so, could the process of doing a fictionalized edit to my personal history be healing? (After all, who doesn’t want to rewrite history?!) Or better yet, could the very act of creation help return me to me? Reboot and restore my factory settings? Because when I began this exercise, I believed what I had misplaced along my journey was a connection to, and ownership of, my creativity, imagination, and sense of wonder. Which is a terrific loss for anyone, let alone an aspiring artist and writer.

Writers are often told to write a story only YOU can tell. And what is most personal is most universal.

So I offer up THE GOLD FISH, my coming-of-age story (albeit an edited one) posted here as a serialized novel. A hypothetical memoir, if you will. My hope is that readers will find some personal resonance, a flicker of recognition, or, if I’ve done my job well, some universal truths. Because even when I’ve taken liberties, THE GOLD FISH is, in fact, 100% true. At least to me.

Over the six months between June 2024 and December 2024, I released two chapters a week, which are now available in the index below.

Thanks for reading. I look forward to your feedback… good, bad, or indifferent!

-Barbara Ward Thall

Note: THE GOLD FISH was originally written as a feature-length screenplay, which was a winner at the 2022 Austin Film Festival.

Part 1.

• A Perfect Day (1.1)

• Caustics (1.2)

• Questions (1.3)

• The Pool (1.4)

• Agony of Defeat (1.5)

• Orange You Glad (1.6)

• Fat Stacks (1.7)

• Wesley (1.8)

• The Tunnel (1.9)

• Sons of God (1.10)

• I’m a Believer (1.11)

• The Red Eye (1.12)

• Magic (1.13)

• A Kick to the Nuts (1.14)

• Resolved (1.15)

Part 2.

• The Monkey (2.1)

• Together Then (2.2)

• And You and I (2.3)

• The Gingerbread Man (2.4)

• Uncle (2.5)

• Jesse James (2.6)

• Wolfman (2.7)

• Sweet Sting (2.8)

• Olga (2.9)

• Business (2.10)

• Darkness (2.11)

• Worse Things (2.12)

• Happiness (2.13)

• Complete and Total (2.14)

• Apple Sauce (2.15)

Part 3.

• Surprise, Surprise (3.1)

• The Action (3.2)

• Devil’s Deals (3.3)

• Waiting (3.4)

• So Lucky (3.5)

• Tigers and Weebles (3.6)

• Paybacks (3.7)

• The Runaway (3.8)

• Habits and Horrors (3.9)

• Broken (3.10)

• Communion (3.11)

• Vigilance (3.12)

• Fight! (3.13)

• Gifts (3.14)

• Finding the Air (3.15)